| We have often heard the old proverb "birds of a | | | | disappointed or hurt. This may seem difficult to |
| feather flock together". While this idea was around | | | | understand at first, but it is reality. How we |
| even before psychology became a subject, | | | | respond to our partners - and their behaviour or |
| George Mead was one of the first social thinkers | | | | actions - is based on who we are. If we are |
| to propose a theory of the "self". The basic idea | | | | constantly feeling negative emotions, it reflects |
| was that the individual existed only in the context | | | | that some our needs or expectations are not |
| of a group. Ironically, we become individuals | | | | being met. Anger, for example, is viewed as a |
| through our relationships with others. There are | | | | secondary emotion. The initial emotion tends to be |
| those who are close to us (significant others) and | | | | fear or hurt. Anger is a defence mechanism such |
| the faint acquaintances and strangers (generalised | | | | that when we are angry, it reveals more about |
| others). | | | | ourselves than the stimulus that makes us angry. |
| Our relationships with our significant others tend | | | | The interaction we have with our partners are |
| to satisfy our needs more than our relationships | | | | typically relate to needs, known or unknown, |
| with anyone outside of that group. The opinions | | | | which are being met or left unfulfilled. Initially, the |
| and attitudes of our in-group tend to have a | | | | type of partners we seek, tend to reflect our |
| greater impact on us. Within the significant others, | | | | personal values and priorities. We tend to seek |
| an intimate romantic relationship is typically at the | | | | the qualities that we believe would help us to |
| apex. People expect to have the majority of their | | | | meet those needs, make us content or complete |
| needs fulfilled in such relationships. | | | | us. |
| Intimate relationships tend to reveal who we are | | | | Sometimes, we get caught in a blame game that |
| by reflecting our deepest fears, needs and | | | | does not allow us to realise our own contribution |
| desires. As a relationship grows in intimacy, it | | | | to relationship problems. We blame the other |
| reflects our innermost realm increasingly. | | | | person and claim that the other person is "too |
| Relationships thus act as mirrors by facilitating | | | | needy" or "too demanding" for example. We fail |
| greater self-understanding. Even from the outset, | | | | to acknowledge the fact that the partner may |
| the type of people we seek as life partners | | | | not be perceived as such in a previous or future |
| reveal a great deal about our preferences, | | | | intimate relationship with someone else. Since we |
| priorities and values. Then during the relationship, | | | | cannot remove ourselves completely from the |
| how we respond to and treat our partners would | | | | picture, it is logical to conclude that much of what |
| be determined by how developed and assured we | | | | occurs in an intimate relationship is, at the very |
| are. | | | | least, a part-reflection of ourselves. |
| The process of projection is critical to | | | | If we continue to grant power to our significant |
| understanding why relationships act as clear | | | | others, they would continue to reflect the aspects |
| mirrors. When we project our feelings and desires | | | | of ourselves that we don't like or wish not to be |
| onto another person, we tend to interpret that | | | | reminded of. Only when we reclaim this power, |
| persons actions or behaviour in light of our latent | | | | something Dr. Gary Smalley refers to as the |
| needs. Dr. Gary Smalley discussed this at length in | | | | "Power of One", we would be less bothered by |
| "The DNA of relationships". Our feelings - about | | | | the things that our partner may do (unless what |
| what our partner does or who our partner is | | | | your partner does is fundamentally insidious). The |
| should be fully-owned by us. | | | | undeniable fact is that our selection process and |
| We should not blame our partner for how we | | | | relationship-handling abilities reveal a lot about the |
| feel. Our partner cannot make us angry, | | | | hidden or innermost aspects of ourselves. |